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Name: Laura
Country: United States
State: Texas
Metro: Dallas
Birthday: 9/27/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: *strums guitar* for the One who made the stars.
Expertise: i am the red-headed, GOD-praising, guitar-strumming, funny-whistling, non-logistical, yet quite congenial, sweet and well meaning lady-master of the *strum*.
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Hospitality
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
10/25/2003
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| after reading a few Heidi Baker books, and digesting their contents, i've come to some conclusions.
and after reading another chapter in "unChristian", by David Kinnaman, i'm confronted again with the contrast between the unavoidable frailty and despondency of the human condition and our overall westernized Christian culture's instinctive reaction to this reality; that is, ignoring raw truth and sheltering ourselves from pain and suffering.
i'm almost ashamed of what we've become.
Jesus isn't like that.
unbeknownst to many of us, when we got our ticket to heaven we also signed up to follow Jesus.
this means that wherever He goes, i go.
while He was on earth, Jesus went to beggars and sinners, demoniacs and physically broken people. He traveled constantly, without even a home to call His own. He prophesied, healed, taught and discipled. He was aquainted with grief and suffering. He ate with the tax collectors, the worst "sinners" in their day, and wasn't afraid of what people though of Him, or if somehow their filth would rub off on Him. He never held anyone at arms length, except the religious leaders, but only until they killed Him. He seriously challenged the religious norms of the day by how He lived, and what He said. He stooped lower than a servant, the lowest social position possible, when He washed His disciple's feet. He lived radically, completely and unconditionally devoting the last three years of His life to writing the preface to history's greatest 2,000 years...
i haven't met many that live like this today... that still follow Jesus wherever He goes.
i don't follow Jesus very often.
there's a lot of good that we do, generally speaking.
but good isn't enough anymore.
of course people don't want to become Christians, because we present nothing life-changing to them through our lifestyles, therefore completely nullifying our life-changing message.
in fact, in many ways i don't need GOD.
hear me out:
my parents pay for everything. besides that, if i had to find a job today, the country i live in happens to be one of the most prosperous ones in the entire world, so it wouldn't be hard for me to get one, or get food, or clothing, especially with the educational opportunites afforded me. i don't ask GOD for money, or rely on Him for provision.
we have health insurance, and the best doctors in America, with the worlds best health care system. when i'm sick, i don't ask GOD for healing. or if i ask, i don't really ask. because truly asking for something means you'll believe you'll get it.
the Christian sub-culture provides me with enough friends because we all hang out with each other. i'm not lonely, or struggling to fit into any cliques or stereotypes, because i'm already naturally apart of one. so, i don't ask GOD for friendship, or companionship, or relational peace.
if i don't ask GOD for things, or rely on Him for anything my whole life... then what's the point of our relationship?
"hey GOD, i'll acknowledge You like, maybe once a week, on a sunday morning for that salvation stuff You did that one time, but i don't want you to mess with the rest of my life. yea, i've go that covered..."
don't get me wrong. i'm so thankful for the things that i have that i'm speechless... what can i even begin to say?
but a lot of times it's the things that i have that, instead of drawing me and GOD closer like two magnets, wind up reversing poles and actually create the distance between us.
i'm too comfortable. it's so easy for me to rely on the provision, instead of the provider.
and so i pray daily for GOD to make me desperate for Him... no matter what that looks like.
because i don't like my safe haven where i'm sheltered from the big, bad world out there.
and i don't like being a plastic, professional Christian. i don't like wearing the "right" clothes, or saying the "right" things while locked inside the church building, hiding behild wealth, and putting up facades that say everything in my life is perfect, because it isn't.
i don't like having no transparency, or accountability. i don't want to be thought of as a hypocrite, or as one subscribing to a boring, outdated faith.
i pray for hunger and desperation, without even knowing the severity and solemness of that prayer, or it's deepest, truest meaning... but i keep praying it desperately, anyways... i pray it despite the cost, because it will cost me more to not pray it.
because i'm beginning to believe that people who "have nothing", but have a real relationship with GOD, really have more than the rest of us that "have everything"...
and i want that.
i want to cling to GOD, as if He is my last hope, because He truly is.
84% of Americans call themselves Christians.
America is one of the most influential countries in the world.
why haven't we coupled those two, and why hasn't that marriage gone out and actually made a difference?
i want my life to preach the gospel for what it truly is.
GOD, help me. | | |
| i haven't written anything on here in forever.
i guess it's cause i haven't had anything to say.
i'm sitting on my shaggy carpet floor, in my bedroom, alone,
next to the hallway door,
because the internet doesn't reach all the way into my room.
listening to ingrid michaelson.
contemplating life.
asking questions like... why.
it's too simple for some...
i can't seem to get away from it, though.
the concept of life is extremely ironic.
the idea of anything having to do with this... physical stuff;
being created, or creating anything... it's so... paradoxical.
i begin to doubt myself.
will i ever lay hold of anything worth conceiving?
my ideas and opinions... are all lifeless.
they've never grown wings, or walked anywhere.
they lay dormant between lined manilla pages,
and remain unheard inside invisible disc grooves.
i'm really tired.
weary, even.
i hate wearing nice clothes.
because they have a definition.
and people confuse their definition with the person inside them.
you should be able to wear whatever clothes you want... and still fit in with everyone.
i hate religion.
it kills people.
since when were we all supposed to express our love the same way, anyways?
and why does everyone want to act the same? and sing the same?
and use the same adjectives, and explatives, and exaggerations, and all say amens and hallelujahs?
i hate it when people act like they're talking to GOD but aren't.
i used to do that.
then one time, GOD caught my attention. literally took my breath away cause i was so scared.
and i looked Him in the eye for the first time...
i hate not knowing what the Bible says about stuff.
i thought i had faith, before.
i thought i had good doctrine, before.
i thought i had all the facts right.
but now, i realize i know nothing...
and that scares me.
and challenges me.
i hate being challenged for the wrong reasons.
when i want to do something, but it's out of fear...
fear of rejection... abandonment...
performance... acceptance...
conformity's sake...
non-conformity's sake...
it's interesting how we all want to be different, but we're afraid to be.
so we all look around at everyone else to see what they're doing to make sure we aren't alone.
we all have this instinct inside of us that is always striving to compensate for the loneliness we feel,
and trying to cover every inch, so we aren't exposed... to pain, or to who we really are.
because when we're alone... we're forced to face the fire... and the truth of our own ugly faults.
well...
i've been really alone lately.
and the fire's gotten pretty intense.
a lot of things have come up to the surface...
and i've been forced to recon with what's inside of me.
i've decided that i'm changing.
changing as fast as i can.
but if i'm not changing fast enough for you,
then there's something else that needs burning... in your own heart.
i've decided that i like myself.
i am me, and will always be.
i like my turned-up nose,
my vibrato,
my shoe size,
my ever-changing hair style and color,
my zealousness,
my loud, hearty, and spontaneously unexpected laugh,
my love for mac n' cheese,
my addiction to soy latte's,
my music tastes,
my favorite color: brown,
my inability to write congregational worship songs,
my ability to write amazing love songs,
my unofficial hobby: photography,
my strengths and weaknesses combined...
like my inconsistencies, opinions,
insecurities,
lusts, fears, doubts, and emotions,
cravings, impulses, thoughts,
instincts, jealousies,
judgments...
because without these, i wouldn't be me.
and i'm finally okay with that.
-laura (the real one.) | | |
| xanga is lame.
no one likes it anymore. | | |
| well.. so far, so tired.
14 chapels a week and my voice is almost worn out.
i'd like a nap right about now and it's only 8:35 am.
i've been guzzling coffee like it's going extinct.
no, it hasn't been that extreme... but very close.
i'm obsessed with misty edwards right now.
in fact, i'm obsessed with iHOP right now.
i'm going there. sometime. for a long time. soon. hopefully. :oD
my fingernail polish is majorly chipped.
i hear ebay has a great selection of cheap converse shoes.
ew... i'm siting in cfni's coffee house/book store/conference center,
and i just looked up at the ceiling, at the huge lights that are up there...
and there's a ton of bugs stuck in them. :oP | | |
| "Now there was one, Anna, a prophetess, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was of a great age, and had lived with a husband seven years from her virginity; and this woman was a widow of about eighty-four years, who did not depart from the temple, but served God with fastings and prayers night and day. And coming in that instant she gave thanks to the Lord, and spoke of Him to all those who looked for redemption in Jerusalem."
-Luke 2:36-38
...wow...
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